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FL Press: Interview with the iguana

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Posted by: W von Papinešu at Tue Jul 15 12:03:46 2008  [ Report Abuse ] [ Email Message ] [ Show All Posts by W von Papinešu ]  

The to-and-fro might be easier to follow if you read this at the original site, URL is below

SUN-SENTINEL (Fort Lauderdale, Florida) 10 July 08 A menace speaks: Interview with the iguana (Ralph De La Cruz)
Interview with The Iguana (with apologies to Anne Rice)
"How much tape do you have with you?" the reptile asked as we reclined in a sunny spot beside a canal. "Enough for the story of a life?"
More like enough for the story of a death, I answered.
You know, a lot of folks are none too happy how you greens have been taking over here in Palm Beach County. They're talking about all kinds of ways to get rid of you and your pals. Everything from humane trapping to using, I hesitate to even bring this up, tethered arrows.
Iggy's crest shook in horror.
Don't know if you heard, but this week the County Commission asked the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission to name y'all..."reptiles of concern."
"Oh great. As if getting through airport checkpoints wasn't tough enough already," he said. "You know, it's frustrating. We came to this country, worked hard, took care of our families. And despite not knowing the language or the food chain, we flourished. And this is the thanks we get? Reptiles of concern?
"I guess it shows that success breeds contempt."
Actually, "breeds" might be a good starting point for this discussion.
"Yeah, yeah. I know," Iggy answered. "As a species, we're cursed with too much passion, too much joie de vivre. Back in the 1950s, when there were just a few of us who'd been dumped by pet owners, everybody thought we were cute and exotic. Now that we're part of the landscape, so to speak, people want us to become invisible again."
Hey, I hear what you're saying, my reptile. I'm Cuban.
"Yeah? I've still got cousins in Pinar del Rio."
So, are you part of the green gang stalking County Commissioner Bob Kanjian on the golf links?
"We were just trying to be friendly, you know? Supportive of our elected leaders. Can't-we-all-get-along and all that. What's his problem, anyway? Seems kind of sour."
Hey, it's been a tough year. I'd like to see what kind of mood you'd be in after having to cut $32 million from your budget.
"His golf round sure didn't help his disposition," Iggy said knowingly.
Don't try to distract me, you lizard. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this story. You know, Iggy, I'm getting tired of your evasiveness. Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson always told his drug-addled disciples: Don't alarm the general population. Well, you and yours should have taken that advice to heart. Because now that we're on to you, well, as our president likes to say, "You can run, but you can't hide."
"Oh yeah? How's that marketing slogan working out for you people? And where exactly is that snake of a human, Osama bin Laden?"
Never mind.
"Come on, man. There are 220 unsolved homicides in the county. And they're worried about me? I munch on orchid leaves, for crying out loud. What's next? Ordinances against you people wearing your pants too low?"
Don't act innocent with me. I've read the 2004 report by the University of Florida, "Dealing With Iguanas in the South Florida Landscape." Here's one excerpt: "Adult iguanas are large powerful animals that can bite, cause severe scratch wounds with their extremely sharp claws, and deliver a painful slap with their powerful tail."
"Hmmm Ö Is my tail really that powerful?"
Get over yourself. You and your kind have scared pets, pooped in pools and generally overrun people's properties.
"Yeah, right. You must have missed the part in the report that said, 'If frightened, green iguanas dive into water. This habit... makes green iguanas very difficult to capture.'"
Maybe. But wait until people get to my favorite part: "Large adults, too dangerous to be kept as pets, may have value as meat in ethnic markets.. As of 2004, the price of iguana meat was $14 a pound in Maryland."
Or, as I prefer to look at it: three gallons a pound.
A menace speaks: Interview with the iguana


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