I'm going to just toss a few things out. I'm sure others will have more advice too. First, one very important detail -- I'm thinking this is an only cat, right? She sounds pretty bored...added to that, she has the usual high-energy drive of a kitten her age.

"Strange Behaviour 1: I can't use a spray bottle to deter her from being naughty, as she loves water and gets in the shower as soon as I open the door to get out. What other deterrents are there in this situation? "

A can with a lid, such as a coffee can, with coins inside. Shake..the noise should startle her. Also, the canned air that people use to clean computer keyboards makes a nice, firm hissing noise that will also often startle.

"Strange Behaviour 2: She loses the plot most nights of the week and runs the full length of the house, talking the whole time. She runs from the blinds to the walls, crashes into both and then tries to climb the wall. "

I'm not entirely sure about the wall-climbing thing, but it could be chalked up to pent up ENERGY. Like I said, she sounds bored. Ideally, another kitten of a similar age would do wonders for this...and possibly even for the nipping you mention below. People NEVER believe it, but anyone who knows cats can tell you two kittens really ARE easier than one. If not, you need to do some major playing with her during the day. Kittens have an extraordinary amount of energy. I'd suggest things to chase, that DON'T involve her being near your hands -- my cats love to chase a laser pointer.

"Strange Behaviour 3: She ignores her lovely - practically unused - scratching post, preferring instead to claw the carpet. To sound paranoid, it's like she does it and knows she shouldn't... Because if I yell and move towards her, she does the cute little innocent "What?" face. This face expression applies to everything she does that's naughty. "

Well, she's only doing what to her feels natural -- it's instinct, so she probably really is thinking, "What's the big deal?". I would try a variety of scratching posts (note the plural...she really needs more than one). Some cats prefer hard, nubby carpet, some prefer wood, some prefer sisal rope. Most DON'T like the plush carpet that's on the posts you buy at the stores, and don't like door hangers or cat condos for regular scratching. Personally, I build my own. You can use her play drive to your advantage here -- make her posts the most fun place she can think of to be! Get or build ones tall enought to climb -- have her chase the laser pointer up them, put treats at the top, etc. Also, wherever she's been using now has her scent on it -- you must cover or block these areas or she WILL return to her scent to scratch.

"Strange Behaviour 4: Regardless of whether I have been lavishing her with attention or not, she gets the urge to use me as her chew toy. It starts off with what seems like her playing, as she is purring. I get concerned when she stops purring though, as she tends to get vicious. "

This is not uncommon. During these petting sessions, now that you are aware of her habit, ALWAYS stop the petting and get up and walk away BEFORE she gets to that point. Always leave her purring. If she does take a nip before you've left simply say "No!" firmly, remove her from your lap, get up walk away. Some cats tend to do this just because they get so worked up from getting petted, her's is probably also due to the amount of energy and play she has. You, and everyone in the house, needs to be consistent with this - don't *let* her get to the nipping point.

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