return to main index

  mobile - desktop
follow us on facebook follow us on twitter follow us on YouTube link to us on LinkedIn
International Reptile Conservation Foundation  
click here for Rodent Pro
This Space Available
3 months for $50.00
Locate a business by name: click to list your business
search the classifieds. buy an account
events by zip code list an event
Search the forums             Search in:
News & Events: Herp Photo of the Day: False Coral Snake . . . . . . . . . .  Herp Photo of the Day: Bearded Dragon . . . . . . . . . .  Greater Cincinnati Herp Society Meeting - Apr 02, 2024 . . . . . . . . . .  Calusa Herp Society Meeting - Apr 04, 2024 . . . . . . . . . .  Southwestern Herp Society Meeting - Apr 06, 2024 . . . . . . . . . .  Hamburg Reptile Show - Apr. 13, 2024 . . . . . . . . . .  St. Louis Herpetological Society - Apr 14, 2024 . . . . . . . . . .  San Diego Herp Society Meeting - Apr 16, 2024 . . . . . . . . . .  Suncoast Herp Society Meeting - Apr 20, 2024 . . . . . . . . . .  DFW Herp Society Meeting - Apr 20, 2024 . . . . . . . . . .  Colorado Herp Society Meeting - Apr 20, 2024 . . . . . . . . . .  Chicago Herpetological Society Meeting - Apr 21, 2024 . . . . . . . . . . 
Southwestern Center for Herpetological Research
full banner - advertise here .50¢/1000 views
click here for Healthy Herp
pool banner - $50 year

cat humor

[ Login ] [ User Prefs ] [ Search Forums ] [ Back to Main Page ] [ Back to Cat Discussions ] [ Reply To This Message ]
[ Register to Post ]

Posted by: jcfs at Wed Mar 15 21:47:01 2006  [ Report Abuse ] [ Email Message ] [ Show All Posts by jcfs ]  
   

Hi Everybody,

I've been reading the posts in this group religiously since I discovered it and the Tonkinese several months ago. You all have such beautiful cats! I hope to have a couple of kittens join our family some time in the near future. This has been such a great way to learn more about the breed, thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge!
I subscribe to the Good Clean Funnies List by e-mail and read the following funny today and thought y'all might appreciate it.

-Jennifer

Excerpts From "A Cat's Guide To Human Beings"

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing
so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.
There will be any number of times, during the course of your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have
bothered to grace them with your presence.

What's so great about humans anyway? Why not just hang
around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer
is actually rather simple:

THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
television stations, and other activities that we, despite
our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do
ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs also have
opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more
important activities than taking care of your immediate
needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
families, or even sleeping.

Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this
work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment
it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will
do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human
to do what you want:

Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has
paper in front of it, chances are good it assumes the paper
is more important than you. It will often offer you a snack
to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood
pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works
well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and
small children.

Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is
between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your
human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better
than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent
haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to
scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to
vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting
suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human
will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these
extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human.
Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
household plants, are likely to backfire; the
unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer
these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a
romantic interlude.

* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and
feign a hairball attack.

* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing
horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
away, hissing and yowling.

* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting
humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled
animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already
dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly
expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given
their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures
up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend
the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
lizards, garden snakes, and the occasional earthworm) should
be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds,
rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still
living. When you see the expression on your human's face,
you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are obligated to your human for only one of your lives.
The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and
matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones
that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But
what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable
thumbs will take you only so far.

Received from Pastor Tim.


   

[ Reply To This Message ] [ Subscribe to this Thread ] [ Show Entire Thread ]


>> Next Message:  RE: cat humor - 2TonksHere, Thu Mar 16 08:50:00 2006