You sound like a workaholic to me (cleaning astroturf, thinking about picking up heavy little tiles, dismantling cages).

Use newspaper, keep the decorations simple, use overhead heat (my kingsnake never goes under the paper). The energy saved by this approach will allow a little more interaction with the snake. As for the water question, look for anything supported by the surface tension of the water (dust, film, bugs). This is the hardest part but if you use a big water bowl you may get away with only changing it twice a week. If in doubt insert a long straw down and ample the water yourself.

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