Lizard Birthing Story......









If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet

syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below

will have you laughing out LOUD!







Here's what happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you

help?"





I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him

into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,

looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come

look at the lizard!"





Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having

babies."



"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said

we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.





"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she

inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)





"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my

most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.







"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)





By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.



I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going

to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the

miracle of birth."





"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.





"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter

of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think

she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)





We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a

tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We

don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.





"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!"

my son urged.





"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it

next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried

several more times with the same results.





"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they

could talk us through the trauma."



(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)





"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.





We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.



"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.



"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women

can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one

thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)







The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the

little animal through a magnifying glass.



"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.





"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.



Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"



I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be

okay?" my wife asked.



"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour.



In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You

see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like

most male species, they um....um....masturbate.





Just the way he did, lying on his back."



He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,

Mr. Cameron."





We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...



just... Excited," my wife offered.





"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.



More silence.



Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And

then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?"





I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married

would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.



Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... I'm picturing

you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to

bellow in laughter once more.



"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and

hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad

everything was going to be okay.





"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told

me.





"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.





2 - lizards - $140...



1 - Cage - $50...





Trip to the Vet - $30...





Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker ....Priceless...

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