Last year, I was visiting a friend in Florida. He got talked into bying some kind of primate/monkey thing from a guy in Sandeiago. One day it got out of its box and went running around the yard.

I was dumming the trash when I hear all this screaming and belching and carrying on somethin terrible. This ape thing came running at me, so I climbed a tree to get away. It seemed like the logical thing to do to get away from a monkey. To my astonishment, it started up after me. I pepper-sprayed it then wacked it with a branch and fell out of the tree with a crash. I then leaped onto its back and urinated in its eyes. That seem to wash out most of the pepper spray. The thing fell over and moaned. I took off for the house but it ran after me as if to kill me so I threw a log at it. This is an old trick that I learned from the Indians: they would through a log at a bear which would try to catch it and then they would club it to death. Instead I hit with the riding lawn mower. The scream it let out was terrbile: I'd describe it as sounding likea man being kicked in the balls whle having a cynder block slamd onto his foot.

At that point my friend came running out of the house screaming "oh my good, my monkey!" I told him it tried to kill me but he wouldnt believe me. So he threw me off the propery and I went back and tore up his whole herp collection, I ate the little animals and threw big ones out windows: a bearded dragon ended up impaled on a pine branch outside and I came out covered in blood and diet supplements, then I farted and shuved a ball python down his his throught then force feed him twenty wild-caught Dendrobates. He mutauted into a pile of wood chips.

I grinned and farted as all the light in the world went out good night foaks.

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