We all get email jokes and stories. Some people will forward everything while others (like myself) only forward the cream. Lets see your best, here's one I just got today and it's a wowser!!!!!





If You've Ever Lived In Texas and Been to a Chili Cook Off Please READ!!!!







Chili Cook-Off



If you can read this whole story without laughing,

then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at

a chili cook-off in Texas.



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the

third judge is even better. For those of you who have

lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time

Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of

a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park...



Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named

Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called

in sick at the last moment and I happened to be

standing there at the judge's table, asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call

came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native

Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;

and, besides, they told me I could have free beer

during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:





CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI



Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this

stuff? You could remove dried paint from your

driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I

hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.





CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Great BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to

be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.

I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when

they saw the look on my face.





CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI



Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer

before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now

my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm

getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.





CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC



Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good

side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a

chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my

tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to

burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.

woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this

nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?





CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers

freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very

impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong

statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off

my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I

farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that

her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my

tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it

from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me

to stop screaming. Screw them.





CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, garlic.Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe

filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on

myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips

anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.





CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance

on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally

threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I

should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He

appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight

in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of

rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of

lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop

breathing its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in

through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.





CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend

chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced

chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of

it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over

and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.Not

sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how

he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No Report
-----
Thanks,





Dave Colling



www.rainbows-r-us-reptiles.com







0.1 Wife (WC and still very fiesty)

0.2 kids (CBB, a big part of our selective breeding program)



LOL, to many snakes to list, last count:

24.36 BRB

19.19 BCI

And those are only the breeders



lots.lots.lots feeder mice and rats

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