HERALD-TRIBUNE (Sarasota, Flirida) 24 July 06 Alligator Hot Line heats up (David Grimes)
News item: Florida wildlife officials field an average of 18,000 calls a year from people complaining about nuisance alligators.
"Hello. You have reached the Nuisance Alligator Hot Line. If you are calling this number because you are currently being swallowed by an alligator, please hang up and call 911.
"If there is an alligator in your carport, garage or under your car, please press 1.
"If there is an alligator in your swimming pool, bathtub or shower, please press 2.
"If the alligator insists on drying itself with your best bath towel, please press 3.
"If the alligator is eating or has eaten your dog, please press 4.
"If the dog the alligator ate was one of those small, yappy varieties with pink toenails and a name like 'Fifi,' please hang up and don't bother us.
"If the alligator is inside your bedroom and is rooting around beneath your mattress for the dirty magazines you keep stashed there, you should feel deeply ashamed.
"If the alligator has agreed to do your taxes in exchange for a whole, raw chicken, you might want to take it up on its offer.
"If you get audited by the IRS because you let an alligator do your taxes, that is your problem, not ours.
"If the alligator is hogging the remote control and refuses to let you watch reruns of 'Sex and the City,' you might want to consider buying a second TV.
"If the alligator gets visibly angry when you repeatedly refer to it as a 'dirty, stinking croc,' you'd be well advised to stop doing that.
"If, on the other hand, the alligator acts flattered when you refer to it as a 'dirty, stinking croc,' please hang up and call the Nuisance Crocodile Hot Line.
"If you are attending a party where several of the guests are alligators and, after a few beers, you unwittingly blurt out, 'You know, I hear alligator tail tastes a lot like chicken,' you should run, not walk, to the nearest exit.
"If an alligator has your entire leg in its mouth, do not try to entice it to break its hold by offering it a marshmallow. It is against the law to feed alligators.
"If you are swimming in your backyard pool without your glasses and mistake a live alligator for an inflatable pool toy, hang on for dear life.
"If you have a sign in your yard that reads 'Premises Patrolled by 10-Foot Attack Alligator,' you are not breaking any laws, though teaching an alligator even the rudiments of security work can be more trouble than it's worth.
"If an alligator has 'borrowed' your Visa card without permission and is currently at the Winn-Dixie buying 300 pounds of cow lungs, please hang up and call your credit card company.
"If the alligator in your bathtub objects to being called a 'nuisance,' you might consider taking a sensitivity-training course at your local community college so that you can learn why certain words are hurtful."

Alligator Hot Line heats up
Alligator Hot Line heats up