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STAR-GAZETTE (Elmira, New York) 28 July 06 Ssssss ... here's one snake's side of the story - What if a timber rattler could explain her world to us? (Jim Pfiffer)
Readers: Today's column is a letter sent to me by a local reptile.
Hello. I'm the eastern timber rattlesnake you've read about in the news. I'm a 12-year-old female (middle age in human years). I made the mistake of being seen at the Painted Post rest stop along Interstate 86. Everybody freaked out and closed the place, because they thought I was going to bite people.
That's why I'm writing. To clear up some misconceptions.
First off, we don't bite unless you do something stupid or try to harm us.
We avoid humans as much as possible. You're dangerous. That's why you rarely see us, and when you do, it leads the 6 p.m. TV news.
I'm good at staying out of sight, but on this day, I was slower than usual. You see, I'm pregnant. I'm carrying about a dozen little ones. My lower back is killin' me.
I was at the rest stop getting some sun. My babies need the warmth to develop into healthy snakes. I saw the car pull into the rest stop, but couldn't get my body moving fast enough to skedaddle.
That started the panic.
Listen. You don't need to fear us. We're afraid of YOU. I know I speak with a forked tongue, but I'm telling the truth. You're 100 times our size. You have arms and legs. I don't have a thumb. That's not a fair fight. I'm not going to waste venom on you. I'm going to scram.
Leave me be and I'll leave. I'm not looking for a fight.
But if you bring it on, I won't back down. I can't. Instinct kicks in. Throw stones or beat me with a stick, and we're talking a life-and-death struggle. I'm unhinging the fangs. I have a family to protect.
I don't understand why you want to hurt us. That really rattles my tail.
We're no threat. But we're a threatened species. There aren't many of us left. The Twin Tiers is one of the few places in the Northeast where we live. You're lucky to live in an area that still has remote, rocky and beautiful wilderness areas. We're a barometer for the health of your outdoors.
So why do you want to harm us? I'll tell you why. You were taught to fear and hate us. It started with Eve and the apple. (By the way, how many of you know a snake that talks?)
Even our scientific name makes us seem horrible - Crotalus horridus.
It's time you learn the truth.
First, consider the odds. We are recluses. How many of you have ever seen a rattlesnake in the wild? There aren't that many of us. You have a greater chance of being struck by lightning .... no, wait .... I have a better chance of being struck by lightning and I don't golf.
Most of you will go through life, never encountering a venomous snake.
If you do see one, appreciate it.
I don't mind if you watch me from a safe distance. It's no skin off my back. You might learn something and depart realizing you witnessed something few others will ever see.
In the meantime, learn the truth.
We timber rattlers come in two colors -- yellow and black.
We don't eat dogs or cats. But let the hamster get out of the house and it's fair game. Besides, animals that run on exercise wheels need to be eliminated from the gene pool.
We eat mostly rats and mice -- two other animals you abhor. You should be thanking us. When we're in the mood for seafood, we go out for frog. Sometimes we get lucky and take a bird. They all taste like chicken.
Most importantly, understand that we're not out to get you. We don't want to see you. We're not going to chase you and bite you for fun. That's why we have rattles -- to warn that we're nearby. If I was lying in ambush to bite you, would I be shaking a noisemaker?
I hope this letter helps you understand us a little better. If you want to learn more, go to Tanglewood Nature Center and Museum in Big Flats. They have a lot of information on timber rattlesnakes, and you can visit my cousin, Rodger, a teacher. He's a live rattlesnake who lives and works at the museum. He's got it made in the sun.
Your friend in nature,
An expectant mom.
P.S. Rattlesnake roundups really bite!
What if a timber rattler could explain her world to us?

Fantastic story, we need more of this!
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Cheers
Lateralis
"I would rather be precisely wrong than approximately right"
Marion "Doc" Ford