KC COMMUNITY NEWS (Kansas City, Kansas) 29 May 08 Copperheaded rattle monster strikes at Carder household (Jean Carder)
“Mom, call me quick. It’s really important.” Those words shouted back at me from my voice mail.
“Your phone has been going crazy,” my co-worker, Elana, said. When I checked the voice mail, I got the terse message from Kinsey. What in the world is the matter with her, I wondered? She usually just sends me a text message. As a teenager, sending a text is much faster — and way cooler — than talking on the phone.
I quickly pushed my speed dial number for her. She answered on the first ring.
“What’s the matter?” I asked. “And where are you?” I could hear lots of background noise. I knew as a high school student she’d already been dismissed from school for the day for finals.
“I’m at the middle school looking for Drew,” she said. “There’s a huge snake in the garage, and I don’t want him to get bit!” she exclaimed.
You know how several thoughts can seem to run through your mind at the same time. My first thought was “did you say a snake?” while at the same time I thought “Wow, she does really love him if she doesn’t want him to run into a snake. Maybe there’s hope after all?”
That thought got shoved aside, though, for the more powerful, “What did you say? A snake in the garage?” By this time I had a gaggle of co-workers peeking over the cube walls to see what was going on.
“Yes, Mom, there’s a snake in the garage, and I can’t find Drew. I’m in my guard suit at the middle school, and I’m supposed to be at the pool in five minutes.”
Call me stupid but I said, “Why is there a snake in the garage?”
“Because Drew left the garage door open when he went to school. I’ve got to find him or I’ll be late.”
“You’ll never find him. They are having their achievement party today, and they are doing stuff all over the school. I’ll call the office and leave a message for him to call me. You go on to work. It will be OK,” I told her.
Then I pulled a Pooh-bear. “Think, think, think,” I said to myself. “How do I make a snake disappear from my garage when I’m sitting in an office in Lenexa?”
“Hi, honey, how’s your day going?” I said to Doug when he answered the phone.
“Crazy,” he said. “We’ve had a computer problem and I’m swamped. What did you need?” he kindly asked, although I could hear the distraction in his voice.
“Oh, nothing, sweetie. Hope your day goes better.” Back to the Pooh-bear routine.
“I know,” I thought. “I’ll call the police department’s non-emergency number. I don’t think this really rates a 911 call.” First I had to call City Hall to get the number, but it definitely wasn’t my lucky day because no one answered in the police department. Back to Pooh bear.
“Ah, Paul Richards. I’ll call him at the fire station.” Paul didn’t answer the phone either. So back to City Hall, where I explained my problem to Traci. She said she’d try and track down Paul and have him call me but she thought he was at lunch.
“Now what?” I wondered. “Who can I call?”
About that time my e-mail beeped at me “you’ve got mail.” It was from Denise Hollrah at the church. “Ah, that’s it!”
I dialed Denise’s number.
“Hey, Denise, what’s Stan doing today? Would he happen to be home?”
For another 20 minutes she told me.
Things are looking up.
“Hey, Stan, this is Jean. How much do you love me?”
In true White Knight fashion, Stan replied, “I love you as much as you love me. What do you need?”
How did he know?
“Drew left the garage door open, and Kinsey found a snake in the garage when she got home from school. She’s afraid it might be poisonous and bite Drew. Would you mind taking care of it?” You can hear the batting of my eyelashes, can’t you? I’m sure Stan could.
About 15 minutes later Stan calls back. “Don’t you know you need an exotic pet license for that thing?”
“What was it?”
“Your normal, run-of-the-mill, garden-variety snake — just two foot long. I’m taking it out into the country and dumping it in the woods.”
I can’t blame Kinsey. It’s really all Uncle Ryan’s fault. All during their growing up years, he regaled the kids with stories of the dreaded Amazon snake: copperheaded rattle monster.
Thanks, Ryan.
Copperheaded rattle monster strikes