THE STANDARD (Hong Kong, China) 29 September 08 Stay young by taking a small portion of deadly poison
Every so often, something happens which powerfully reinforces my belief that the fundamental organizing principle of the world is irony.
Here's the latest example. A magic potion that keeps people young has finally been found. And what is it made of?
Deadly poison. Of course. What else?
The stuff is labeled "Syn-ake" and is being sold for the outrageous sum of US$120 (HK$936) for a tiny pot containing just 30 ml of gunk (equal to the contents of two tablespoons, or the volume of George W Bush's brain on a good day).
This is how it is works. You save vast amounts of cash, buy a jar of Syn-ake from Selfridges in London, and smear it around your eyes, mouth and forehead. Your skin becomes stiff and flat and wrinkles never, ever form, even if you worry 24 hours a day and live to the age of 500, or the average age of Chinese politburo members, whichever is greater.
It seems to work. The store is selling 50 pots a day to celebrities such as actress Gwyneth Paltrow.
What's in it? The name Syn-ake reveals all. The potion is a laboratory replica of the poisonous venom of holy viper snakes from the Temple of the Azure Sky in Penang, Malaysia.
This is the sort of thing that tourists go crazy over, but is considered run-of-the-mill by Asians, who look at it and say: "Oh, an ancient temple filled with magic deadly vipers, yawn, yawn, let's talk about something interesting, such as Paris Hilton, also known as Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan."
It takes Westerners to see opportunities in the East. This temple, built in memory of a snake- loving monk, miraculously filled itself with dangerous snakes that cause paralysis and death. So far, so bad. But someone realized that paralyzed facial muscles can't form wrinkles. A new industry was born.
I told a friend about this. She worked out that it would be better for her as a patriotic Asian and, more importantly, a card-carrying cheapskate, to skip Selfridges and go straight to Penang to pick up a snake for direct delivery of the potion.
But this would be tricky. For a start, she'd have to persuade it to bite just her wrinkly places. And even if she did that, there would be a high probability that she would end up smooth- faced but deceased, which I think you'd agree would be a bit of a downer on her social life.
And there's another problem, although it is supposed to be secret. The temple guardians tell tourists that magical smoke from the holy temple fires takes the poison away from the snakes, so that they are safe to approach and be photographed with.
But the monks are not stupid: I have it on good authority that they don't trust the magic "holy smoke" and have had all the creatures de- venomed so as to prevent lawsuits from stupid tourists who might otherwise inconveniently die.
In truth, Syn-ake is yet another example of a unique Asian product that has huge value - yet every cent of it is going into Western pockets.
Why did no one here grab this opportunity?
It may be the famous irony-shortage that Asians suffer from. Somehow, no one here thought of rubbing deadly poison into the faces of Western celebrities.
Personally, I can't think why.
Stay young by taking a small portion of deadly poison