SAN FRANCISCO CHRONCILE (California) 13 January 11 The Snake Threateners (Jon Carroll)
Well, now they're coming to take away our snakes. When they came to take away our elephants, I didn't speak up because I did not have an elephant. When they came to take away our tigers, I didn't speak up because I did not have a tiger. Now they're coming after our snakes, and I - well, I don't have a snake either, but you see my point.
Snakes have a totally undeserved bad reputation. Who tempted Eve with the power of sin? It was a snake. Why a snake? What does a snake know about sin? Unless it was a snake sent by God, in which case we have a clear case of entrapment. All your sins are washed away, thanks to prosecutorial malfeasance.
Legend has it that Cleopatra died from the bite of an asp. Alas, legend is almost certainly wrong. She probably died of an overdose of hemlock and opium, which is not a bad way to go. Also: Easier to smuggle into your bedchamber when you're being guarded by Roman soldiers.
And Medusa! Head full of what? Snakes! This conjunction of evil powerful women and snakes is an old one, and I don't think you have to be an advanced Freudian to see what's going on.
So now the Fish and Wildlife Service wants to ban the importation of nine varieties of snake, on the grounds that, should they escape, they would pose a threat to the local ecosystem. Nonsense, say people who own said snakes and have firsthand experience: Mostly, if they escape, they freeze to death. These are tropical animals and require a moist, warm climate. Most of the United States has a dry, cold climate at least part of the year.
There are scientific studies to support both of these views, and plenty of people to wave these scientific studies about, but the Fish and Wildlife Service is not interested in talking about it anymore. The ban goes into effect next year, period. Now there is talk of resorting to the courts. Oh boy, snake litigation.
According to Leslie Kaufman of the New York Times, Andrew Wyatt, the president of the U.S. Association of Reptile Keepers, makes an interesting point: "This has implications for every animal interest out there, right down to family pets." He alleged that Fish and Game was following native-fauna-only guidelines and, according to such standards, "all amphibians are injurious and cats and dogs can't be far behind."
And that's the line that's been crossed. For the first time, a government agency is going after an animal widely kept as a family pet. You may be creeped out by snakes, but lots of people aren't. Snakes are affectionate, clean, quiet (God knows), and are beloved as companions by over 1 million people in this country.
If you want dangerous, how about feral dogs? They get loose from their owners, run in packs and terrorize small children - and big adults. Feral cats don't pack, but they carry disease. And feral pigs - God, they're a blight on the landscape, and they too are escapees, often many generations back, from domestic situations.
Why isn't Fish and Game going after pork producers? Well, because they can't. Too much political juice. And imagine the uproar if the government gassed a few million wild kitties? Sure, there are giant Burmese pythons in the Florida Everglades - although the recent freeze may have killed them all - but it seems as if a more temperate approach might solve that problem. But they probably thought that people wouldn't care. Ah, but there are snake lovers everywhere.
Said Dr. Elliott Jacobson, a professor of veterinary medicine and an expert in reptiles: "The impact of feral cats, for example, on wildlife is much greater than what a Burmese python can do," noting that a cat eats much more than a snake of similar size. Snakes are bigger, of course, but there are ever so many more kitties.
He believes that it all has to do with the cuddliness factor. Only a special kind of person has the good sense to understand that a snake can be cuddly, but we're hardwired to think that fur and big eyes mean friendship for all humankind. Every time we get scratched by a cat or bitten by a dog, you'd think we'd learn that "domesticated" has a limited meaning, but oh no - they're just so darned cute.
Snakes are not cute. They are fascinating and lovely in the way a Maserati is fascinating and lovely, but they don't bring out the cute lobby. House pet owners! Stand with your snaky friends! Beat back this latest intrusion of the nanny state!
Surely snakes, of all animals, deserve the evenhanded scales of justice.
The Snake Threateners