Reptile & Amphibian Forums

April 23, 2012

Dear Mommy Kelly,

I am writing to inform you that I have been retained by your owner, Shelby, with regard to several deficiencies in your care and treatment of her as follows:

1. You have failed to provide a sufficient number of presents on a regular basis. My client has informed me that the last time you gave her presents was three weeks ago. While I realize that being human, you may think that giving three presents is enough for a three week period, it is a well-known rule that all presents given to a cat at one time constitute only one present. Please be advised that presents should be lavished on a cat weekly at the very least.

2. While Shelby has been very graciously sharing her bed with you, you have been making her so uncomfortable with your tossing and turning that you have been driving her from her bed to your wheelchair. Please be advised that this is considered heinous abuse. We hereby demand that you either stay still through the night or vacate the bed so that Shelby can rest peacefully in her bed at night.

3. You have been depriving Shelby of the petting and treats. It is cat law that petting and treats are to be provided on demand. Just because you are trying to do something is not an excuse for not holding and petting your catowner. Failing to lavish love and treats on a daily basis is an abuse that cannot be allowed to continue.

4. Finally, there is a potential criminal charge for the theft of Shelby's lizard. Everyone knows that any intruder that invades a cat's house automatically belongs to the cat. You stole Shelby's lizard and destroyed it right before her eyes, not only committing the theft of her property, but causing her great emotional pain and trauma. For this we must demand immediate satisfaction in the form of an immediate, profuse apology accompanied by taxes of 300 cans each of tuna and salad shrimp. These damages are due and payable immediately.

The purpose to this letter is to make you aware of these abuses so that you remedy the offenses. Failure to do so will result in suit being filed.

By signing below, you acknowledge that you have been deficient in your care and treatment of Shelby as noted above and agree to correct this matter by adhering to the settlement agreement above.

Sincerely,

BamBam Esquire
Attorneykit-at-Law