My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and
spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession.
I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the
American people. Though the people disagree with the President on
almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him.
I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean
special in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride
the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while
eating pudding with rubber spoons.
That kind of special.
I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty
powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to
congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage
amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well,
that was just genius.
Genius.
It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The
unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited moral values
as their biggest issue. Those people changed history, the folks
who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or
terrorism, or the economy.
Who'd have thought the election would belong to them?
Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.
I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With
8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, and with your friends
and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of. With your
future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you
somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network
while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with
the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000.
You suck.
Seriously, you do.
There are some that may say that I sound bitter, and that now
is the time for healing, and to bring the nation together.
We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in
this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states
receive the majority of the money from those taxes while
complaining about 'em.
We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked
by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to
fight a war in our name.
Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of
the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing
behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah? Bring it on!"
More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein
had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your
sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the
people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not
true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy
lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I
really envy that luxury. I concede that.
Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who
subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms
about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and
excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear.
And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral
values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to
share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to
provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of
pointy-headed, atheistic, non-confrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay
the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can
never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed
to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is
that for 20 years, we've done just that.
It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the
same. Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as
conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for
President in 2008.
And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there
will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking
contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle
of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the
"white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the simple
folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives
to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't.
So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm
talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred
drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped
grade-school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly
believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Kerry in '08!
Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and
every one of you.
