AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES UPON ENCOUNTERING A VENOMOUS SNAKE WITHIN THEIR JURISDICTION
1. FBI: Searches for but can not locate snake. After snake is caught by the local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds press conference and assumes credit for capture of snake.
2. Secret Service: Forms a protective ring of agents around snake and escorts to a safe area.
3. ATF: Sends SRT team to arrest snake; they expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down killing the snake and other local fauna. At a Congressional inquiry makes a presentation on why additional funding is required to properly train agents how to battle the threat of snakes.
4. TSA: Abides by Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" of venomous snakes, which requires "random" snake inspections. Venomous snake escapes while TSA officials strip search non-venomous species.
5. Immigration and Naturalization Service: Mails snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. Snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.
6. IRS-CID: performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100 page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30pm.
7. U.S. Attorney's Office: Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."
8. NYPD: Anti-crime unit surrounds snake and fires 100 rounds, two of which strike the snake, killing it.
9. LAPD: After a high-speed chase through the woods the snake is cuffed head to tail; then tasered until well-done for exhibiting "threatening behavior."
