TIMES-DISPATCH (Richmond, Virginia) 29 September 05 Science has found the answer: How not to be bitten by gators (Ray McAllister)
Established fact: Alligator attacks are increasing in the United States.
What to do? Hmm.
Let's see, let's see now.
How about . . . staying away from alligators?
It's not as if some wily gator is putting on a Brooks Brothers suit and a pair of sunglasses, after all, then sneaking onto the elevator and biting a businessman in his 20th-floor office.
How tough is this?
You and I, though, must not necessarily think like scientists.
The correct answer is:
Study the issue.
The current issue of the Journal of the Wilderness Medical Society contains a study by a medical epidemiologist from the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, "Alligator Attacks on Humans in the United States."
Granted, the notion of studying alligator attacks warms the hearts of all Virginians.
We, after all, are the leaders in such things. Our Gov. James Gilmore set up a gubernatorial shark bite task force five years ago following fatal attacks off Virginia and North Carolina.
The task force ended up reporting what you would expect:
There's still virtually no chance of being attacked by a shark. But try to stay away during their dawn-to-dusk feeding times anyway.
Now we have a study of alligator attacks.
The medical journal article reports the number of attacks and complaints is increasing, along with the alligator population and more people moving to southeastern coastal communities.
Dr. Ricky L. Langley's report also concludes: "It is likely that the number of alligator attacks will increase as more people move to coastal areas of the southern United States."
Hard to have guessed that.
The study also ranks by frequency the activities that have led to alligator attacks. Here are the five most frequent.
Consider them, if you will, a list of How to Get Attacked by Gators:
No. 5: Walking/wading in water containing alligators.
No. 4: Retrieving golf balls near gators.
No. 3: Fishing near gators.
No. 2: Swimming in water with gators.
And the best way, statistically, to be attacked:
No. 1. "Attempting to capture, pick up, exhibit" alligators.
Sort of sounds like asking for it, doesn't it?
Fortunately, though, it is not exactly impossible to avoid being bitten by an alligator. The study suggests we:
Don't allow small children to approach water with alligators.
Don't swim during their dawn-to-dusk feeding times.
Don't feed or entice them.
Don't remove alligators from their habitat.
Don't make one a pet.
It's a good list of don'ts. But the study seems to miss a few obvious ones.
So just to be sure:
Don't wipe blood over your body and go swimming with alligators.
Don't put your head in the mouth of a gator.
Don't pick up hitchhiking gators.
Don't mock them by wearing alligator shoes.
Don't renege on a football bet with an alligator.
And one more thing:
Don't ever, ever bad-mouth a gator's mama.
Them's bitin' words.
Science has found the answer: How not to be bitten by gators