STAR-GAZETTE (Elmira, New York) 07 October 05 Exploding toads and armed dolphins (Jim Pfiffer)
Stay away from toads and dolphins.
They're armed, dangerous and mad at us humans.
I say this after reading news reports about ponds in Germany and Denmark that are overrun with exploding toads. This is true. I'm not making it up.
According to reports, the suicide toads puff up to 3ě times their normal size and explode like birthday balloons - only a lot messier.
"It is like a science fiction film," Werner Smolnik, of Hamburg, Germany said in an ABC News Online article. "You see the animals crawling on the ground, swelling and then exploding."
So many toads exploded at one pond it's been nicknamed "The Pond of Death."
Explanations for the blasting amphibians range from a fungus and polluted water to crow attacks that cause the frogs to puff up in defense.
I suspect they're amphibian suicide bombers, brainwashed into believing that their deaths will bring them eternal happiness, with all the flies they can eat, on that big lily pad in the cosmos.
They're angry because we treat them like toads - use them as fishing bait, firecracker holders and canine play toys.
Toads have few defenses. They can pee on you or make your mouth foam. Now, they've found another way to fight back. They're blowing up.
There have been no reported human injuries from the attacks. But it makes a mess of your shoes if you're at ground zero when a toad detonates.
That's nothing compared to the potential damage from a group of specially trained armed dolphins that may be out to get us. Again, I am not making this up. According to online news articles, the U.S. military trained bottle-nosed dolphins to shoot terrorists and spies underwater. The dolphins wear harnesses equipped with loaded dart guns. The darts put the target to sleep so he or she can be interrogated later.
These dolphins escaped a Gulf Coast Navy training center during the flooding of Hurricane Katrina. Researchers say the dolphins may mistake swimmers or divers as terrorists and shoot them. I fear the dolphins team up with the toads and launch an amphibious attack on us.
Dolphins are one of nature's most intelligent animals - smarter than chimpanzees, pigs and politicians. They know we humans are destroying their environment and fellow species. At last count, there were 1,268 threatened and endangered plants and animals in the United States. The list is short by nine species that became extinct since it began in 1973.
Knowing that, I wouldn't want to run into an armed dolphin in a dark atoll some night.
After the toads and dolphins launch their first attack, I expect they will release a video claiming responsibility:
"Our toads will keep exploding and our darts will keep firing until you stop destroying us and our habitats. You are under attack. Now you are endangered. How does it feel?"
Exploding toads and armed dolphins