He’s gone. I knew he was when mom told me how bad he was last week. She didn’t take any of my phone calls for the last two days because I know she didn’t want to tell me before I went to Mike’s wedding.

My horse is gone. He had been bad for a few weeks, eating sparingly, having trouble walking sometimes, and just generally not feeling well. Mom had the vet out to check on him last week when he was so bad. She said he was in pain and there was nothing she could do about it. That was enough for mom. She’s never allowed any of our pets to go through pain for any length of time if there was no cure. It’s better that way, but it still hurts that he’s gone.

He’s buried up at their cabin in Jasper now. When she finally got on the phone with me and told me today, I didn’t cry. I had already cried last Thursday night when I knew he was going to be put down. She never had to tell me. Tears are stinging my eyes now as I write this though. He was a wonderful horse. He was my best friend for fourteen years. He’d had a hard life, many people had abused and neglected him until he came to live with us.

When we first got him, we had to keep him in our yard out in Callaway because we weren’t cleared to take him on the base stables. Waking up every morning and being able to walk out into a yard where there was a horse grazing was the coolest thing to happen in my life at that point. I was so crazy over horses, always have been. He was a wonderful trail horse, even when he’d shy at the tiniest bit of grass.

He hated trotting. He hated it so much that he invented his own gait of a very slow rocking canter. He could turn on a dime, even to the point of turning into a cedar tree at a run, almost knocking me off in the branches. He loved the beach, hated the little waves at the shore, but when you prodded him out into the water he was like a dolphin. He loved swimming.

He loved harrassing Oliver, grabbing his tail when the cat would walk along the top of the electric fence. It would shock the crap out of both of them, but he thought it was funny.

He used to like dogs, until two of them attacked him in Orlando. He was always cautious of them after that. He loved racing around in the seven acres we had down there, chasing after the two older horses, nipping them, and generally harrassing them. He always seemed so young.

He loved riding in the trailer. If you left a trailer in the pasture, you couldn’t keep him from getting in it. Put a halter on him, walk him up to an open trailer, and tell him to "get in" and he would, without any prodding of any kind. He always wanted to go somewhere.

He didn’t care if I rode him western, English, bareback, or sidesaddle. I never even had to give him verbal cues, he always just knew how fast I wanted to go. He only ever ran away with me one time, and that was after I’d pissed him off. I made him walk fifty laps in the arena and he never ran away with me again.

He loved pretzels, canned peaches, bagels, alfalfa, doritoes, gum drops, and horse cookies. He was always there for me when I needed him. Always willing to listen to my problems while I scratched his head, back, butt, or belly. He was always good for the farrier, lifting each hoof as needed.

He loved children. I knew this the first time a two-year-old little girl ran and stood under him at the stable on base. He wouldn’t move a muscle, even with flies buzzing all around his legs. She stood under him for ten minutes or so, because her mother had no control over her, but Bagan wouldn’t have hurt her for the world.

My children loved him. Even Trevor wasn’t scared at all when I set him up on the saddle. They knew he loved them. They’re going to miss him too.

My heart’s breaking. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to walk back out to that empty barn. I still have some of his horsehairs.

I will never find another horse like him. He was truly a magnificent horse. If there is truly a heaven, I’m sure he’s running along the shoreline, chasing the birds, watching the dolphins playing in the surf, and letting the wind glide through his hair.

I miss you so much, Bagan.



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Holly

0.1 Lavender California Kingsnake (Lizzie Borden) (missing )
1.0 Florida Kingsnake possible mix (Eddie Gein)
1.0 Bearded Dragon (Charley Manson)
1.0 Orange Marmalade Cat (Oliver)
1.0 Egyptian Arabian (Bagan)

2.0 Toddlers (Justice & Trevor)

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